I came across a book about "Being Stuck" by Shostrom and Montgomery and truly I can say it's a real eye opener.  Some points strike a familiar tune.  I can relate.  I can recognize parts of myself in the Striving and Critical polarity.  The Striving/strength polarity is the most that I am inclined to.  I grew up in an environment where being a good boy/son and achievements are highly esteemed.  Being the eldest son I was brought up to conform the standards of the family and the expectations of my grandparents, paternal and maternal relatives.  The pressures of being the eldest are sometimes overwhelming.  Like for example, that the eldest son should be responsible for the younger siblings that I should act as model for them, so on and so forth.  Unconsciously, striving to be good so as to cope up with the demands has been ingrained into my mind even during my tender years.  I remember that when my parents are away I have to act as mother and father to my younger siblings, do the household chores and look after their needs in the school or in the home.  I have grown into a mature person even as a young child.  My way of thinking was already ahead of the other children of my age.  From time to time I heard compliments from my uncles and aunts because of my being a "good son".   Some even compared me to my cousins and these even became a source of jealousy on their part.  Comparisons were a common topic during family affairs or gatherings.  Secretly, I was enjoying the praises I received from my relatives, which inspired me to keep up to their expectations.  I thought doing so would earn their respect and admiration.  It was good.   I felt accepted.  I grew up having this orientation and unknowingly this inclination became a stumbling block to my spiritual and emotional progress making me ‘stuck’ in my quest for growth.  I think the Striving Christian goes side by side with the Critical Christian.  I recall that when I joined a Catholic community way back in 1992, I became very dedicated to my ministry that silently I became critical to other members.  I often compared myself to them.  “If I can do this and that, why can’t them?” was my common predicament.  I always come on time, prepared in every meeting.  I was very active and busy doing works of mercy, social action and prayer meetings, so on and so forth.  Very goal-oriented and efficient.

In the article Healing Love (Shostrom and Montgomery), what seems to be an act of virtue or heroic deed can be a mask of a distorted view of oneself.  Later, as I progressed in my spiritual life in the community, I realized that most of my ‘being good’ attitudes are not authentic at all.  The inputs I received from CEFAM enabled me to learn more and recognize my own issues.  I take comfort in the knowledge that perfect love casts out fear (1 Jn 4:1).  I believe that only authentic love can freed the person from his/her own psycho-spiritual imprisonment.  Awareness of the authentic love at the core of one’s being moves the person by becoming cognizant of those crippling tendencies.  When this happens, I think the person ceases to live in the world of seeming and enters into the world of becoming.  Thus, actualizing the expressions of the four polarities experiencing the strength, weakness, anger and love in a healthy, appropriate manner.  I hope that I may be able to actualize these polarities in my quest for growth.  The process will not be easy and instantaneous but I am eager to see myself on the way.

"If I can do this and that, why can't they?" Ahhh, yes... The eternal question. How often we tend to forget that just because we can do something, that doesn't mean other people can do it, too. This is a great life lesson for anyone who's striving to make changes in their lives. It's also a lesson I've been struggling with for a good chunk of my own life. What seems logical and "easy" for us isn't always logical or easy for other people, and I think being constantly compared to others is partially responsible for this mind-set. Great post, Jay - thanks for sharing it!

Hahaha I like this one Jay. It is because we are all a victim of being stuck one way or another. :):)And like you I am the eldest of 2 siblings and being the eldest added with our culture it is not easy. There was a time when I like to rebel but I can't because I was stuck to being "good" hahaha isn't it funny. Before, I couldn't laugh about this matter because I haven't understand it fully well but now I think of it as a very good experienced. And if a friend comes a long who feels "stuck" I know now how to be an EMPHATIC LISTENER oh diba? hehehe!!;);)