I came across a book about "Being Stuck" by Shostrom and Montgomery and truly I can say it's a real eye opener.  Some points strike a familiar tune.  I can relate.  I can recognize parts of myself in the Striving and Critical polarity.  The Striving/strength polarity is the most that I am inclined to.  I grew up in an environment where being a good boy/son and achievements are highly esteemed.  Being the eldest son I was brought up to conform the standards of the family and the expectations of my grandparents, paternal and maternal relatives.  The pressures of being the eldest are sometimes overwhelming.  Like for example, that the eldest son should be responsible for the younger siblings that I should act as model for them, so on and so forth.  Unconsciously, striving to be good so as to cope up with the demands has been ingrained into my mind even during my tender years.  I remember that when my parents are away I have to act as mother and father to my younger siblings, do the household chores and look after their needs in the school or in the home.  I have grown into a mature person even as a young child.  My way of thinking was already ahead of the other children of my age.  From time to time I heard compliments from my uncles and aunts because of my being a "good son".   Some even compared me to my cousins and these even became a source of jealousy on their part.  Comparisons were a common topic during family affairs or gatherings.  Secretly, I was enjoying the praises I received from my relatives, which inspired me to keep up to their expectations.  I thought doing so would earn their respect and admiration.  It was good.   I felt accepted.  I grew up having this orientation and unknowingly this inclination became a stumbling block to my spiritual and emotional progress making me ‘stuck’ in my quest for growth.  I think the Striving Christian goes side by side with the Critical Christian.  I recall that when I joined a Catholic community way back in 1992, I became very dedicated to my ministry that silently I became critical to other members.  I often compared myself to them.  “If I can do this and that, why can’t them?” was my common predicament.  I always come on time, prepared in every meeting.  I was very active and busy doing works of mercy, social action and prayer meetings, so on and so forth.  Very goal-oriented and efficient.

In the article Healing Love (Shostrom and Montgomery), what seems to be an act of virtue or heroic deed can be a mask of a distorted view of oneself.  Later, as I progressed in my spiritual life in the community, I realized that most of my ‘being good’ attitudes are not authentic at all.  The inputs I received from CEFAM enabled me to learn more and recognize my own issues.  I take comfort in the knowledge that perfect love casts out fear (1 Jn 4:1).  I believe that only authentic love can freed the person from his/her own psycho-spiritual imprisonment.  Awareness of the authentic love at the core of one’s being moves the person by becoming cognizant of those crippling tendencies.  When this happens, I think the person ceases to live in the world of seeming and enters into the world of becoming.  Thus, actualizing the expressions of the four polarities experiencing the strength, weakness, anger and love in a healthy, appropriate manner.  I hope that I may be able to actualize these polarities in my quest for growth.  The process will not be easy and instantaneous but I am eager to see myself on the way.

Married life as one of the life vocations that God intends for every person is supposed to be a channel where one experience or encounter God as couples and children journey together to celebrate, find meaning and purpose regardless of religion, creed or race.  I observed that with the contemporary cultural context of marriage or family today, a majority of parents/couples are becoming more and more identified with the present culture, which is characterized by narcissism, materialism, competition and careerism and becoming less and less instrument for God’s presence for their children and each others as a couple.  In other words, a large number of parents/couples today run counter to, rather than an affirmer of genuine faith for each other and for their children.

            In my own experience with my family, during my younger years I often saw my parents quarreling with intense emotions.  I heard them shouting at each other along with the physical hurting and exchange of hurtful words.  At a very young age, I was already exposed to domestic violence, which is a contradiction to our expectation of a family as a place where love, tenderness, gentleness can be experienced.  Quarrels became a normal condition instead of an exception in their marital relationship.  As I reflect back, those intense moments of marital conflict between my parents brought unconscious, undesirable effect in my psycho-emotional framework.  If I were to ask “Where is God in those situations?” hardly I could discern the benevolent presence of God in the midst of those violent interactions between my parents.  My father’s detached, undemonstrative, authoritarian and sometimes physically harsh way of relating with us (me and my siblings) only brought a contorted projection of authority figures and God as harsh, distant, punitive and hard to please.  I surmise that my relationship with my father is the root of all my issues against authority figures when I was in the seminary and religious formation.  Marital spirituality was an unexplored, foreign element in my parents’ marital life if I were to understand it as a way to encounter God in the context of marital relationship.  

            I believe that if married couples strive to make God visible, present in their marital life/relationship, justice is preserved, which will be experienced by their children in concrete, existential terms.  Violence begets violence; love begets love.  Children learn what they live.  This is the basic law of living.  Spirituality in marriage is vital to a successful, enduring married life and to psychologically, emotionally and spiritually sound children.  With the advancement of science and technology in our world today, it is a sad fact that spirituality in all its dimensions is still way far behind.  People marry, separate or divorce, produce children, grow in old age and die and yet the vicious cycle of unlove and woundedness seem to overpower the spirit of love, peace and justice.  Many if not majority of people are living in a state of unawareness perpetuating violence in all facets of life producing violent, wounded children who later grow and assume key positions in our society, church, politics repeating the same old cycle.  It is obvious that we need the intervention of a higher Power to make up healthy and loving communities and this find its genesis in families where love, justice and peace are experienced.