Things like personality tests are always fascinating and very revealing at the same time.  I always believe that these tests cannot be in anyway a form of judgment or way to size-up people.  Nevertheless, it gives us a glimpse or idea in general on how people tend to behave or relate.  I always feel the excitement whenever I take personality tests or any psychological test because I find it very interesting to know about myself, how I behave, etc.  I’ve taken many similar tests way back in college and one result showed that I got a high score in nurturance.  I believe that was true because of my birth order as an eldest son.  I was trained to look after my younger siblings.  I was the mother and father to them whenever my parents are away. 

Over the years, I observe that the results of these tests may differ according to one’s state of being at the time when the test was taken.  I find it also surprising to know that sometimes the result are exactly the opposite of what I feel and think I am.  Like for instance, I feel that I am an introvert person but the result showed that I have a lively, adventurous and outgoing personality.  Based on this observation one cannot assume or presume an absolute measure of the person’s trait or behavior.  I always believe that everybody can change from good to worst or vice-versa according to how he/she respond to the dynamics of life.  A person is not born with these and that qualities but they can be acquired as the process of growing continues.  However, it is a great achievement to know oneself. 

I think awareness or knowing oneself is the first step to transformation.  From there flows the joy of living human life in its fullness.  The flaws are always there.  It cannot totally be erased otherwise there will be no room for improvement.  Somewhere I read that our weaknesses or flaws are our doorways to the mercy of God.  I find it very consoling to know that one should develop an attitude of gentleness to oneself, learning to laugh (in the healthy sense) at our own mistakes and own them.  Gentleness begets gentleness.  I believe that when one learns to be gentle with oneself, he / she learns to be gentle with others.  I am of the opinion that our ways of relating with others is measured by the manner in which we relate to ourselves.  Hence, there is a need to acquire a deeper knowledge of oneself.  Personality tests are one tool of becoming cognizant of the intricacies of our traits and ways of relating as human persons although not really absolute but one can start from there.

After reading the handouts on Empathy, It dawned on me that empathy is more on the interior experience of the person.  It is subjective in the sense that it utilizes the person’s capacity to interiorize the inner movements of the other, becoming aware and connected to what the other is feeling or experiencing at the given moment.  The point of focus is the other, setting aside one’s own preconceived ideas to understand the other’s state of being. 

I tried to employ empathy in my daily interaction with my friends and companions in the house and I found out that it was effortful at first.  I realized that I have to somewhat “expand” my inner grasp of the person in order to understand him/her.  I felt the urge to jump into my already formulated idea of what the person is saying but doing so would defeat my purpose of understanding them.  It’s so interesting to find out how people employ words when they talk but leave hidden meanings that one is able or unable to grasp in between the lines.  It takes a skill to hear hidden emotions trapped in a jungle of spoken words.  I feel that keen awareness of what the other is feeling is the door to emphatic listening.  Like for example, in one of my conversations, a friend confided that he misses his father who died seven years ago.  As he talked about his father, he was misty eyed and appeared a bit sad.  I know that this friend of mine love his father so much so I took the opportunity to respond empathically by saying “I can feel your pain as well as your affection for your father.”  I felt his pain from own experience because I too lost my father eleven years ago.  I know how it feels to miss a loved one who passed away. 

As we go along the process of self-development, now and then we are exposed to many events, trivial and significant that usually pass into our consciousness without our real awareness of them save those that leave traumatic imprints into our psyche.  But even those we call traumatic experiences are in my observation, qualified as such only when we are terribly affected by them, when we are struggling to recover.  In the process, the person tries to adapt ways and means of coping mechanism to ease the pain if not to avoid it.   I think coping mechanisms are our natural response to the dynamics of life.  The catch is to identify whether these coping mechanisms are healthy or maladaptive.  But when an average person finds himself in an adverse situation, he or she might not be totally aware of the quality of his or her responses.  These come only later when emotion subsides and the mind is peaceful enough to think and analyze one's present state of being.   Real awareness, I think is very crucial at this point that is to say, one is fully aware and conscious of the movements of feelings and thoughts and qualifies or filters the actions in response to the situations.

Can there be someone or something to blame if a person develops a pattern of actions that eventually result into a disorder?  I think there is none to be blamed.  For every action involved there is a corresponding cause and the cause is also an action that resulted from another cause, and so on…  Sad to say that many developed a maladaptive behavior rather than the healthy ones.   My point is not to tolerate these aberrant behaviors but to allow compassion to be part of the analysis of human situation instead of pointing here and there to blame.  Here, I can see that the common human condition is tainted with something dark that seeks to corrupt the basic goodness of human character.  In my experience, many times I succumb to the painful episodes of my own frustrations and disappointments, betrayal by people whom I trusted and respected; life-projects that I failed to accomplish.  In my frantic effort to align myself, I ended up hurting other people and repeating cycles of maladaptive responses.  Those painful episodes allowed me to see my other side, which I am not aware of.  The “shadow” that is present in these painful experiences tends to distort my basic goodness as a human person. 

I find it so sad to know that many people are totally existing and living in a state of unawareness.  It is even more unfortunate to find people who are trap in disordered lives.  This is not what God intends us to become.  It is fitting for every person to experience the fullness of life, the joy of living.  Sometimes I ponder why does a person has to suffer like this, the meaning and purpose of all these aberrant behaviors.  Perhaps in the eyes of faith, I could say that this weakness is a quality that disposes us to seek for a higher Power that redeems us from the ‘darkness’ that is trying to rob us of our dignity and preciousness as human beings.  This is not to be overly spiritual in my reflection but I think it is also important to consider the spiritual dimension of man’s existential condition along with the psychological analysis of the individual. To connect it with what I’ve learned in Pastoral Psychology and Counseling, I could say that these personality disorders are but indications of the absence of love.  The core of one’s being is dominated by fear instead of love.  This crippling fear makes the person vulnerable to the ‘darkness’ that seeks to dehumanize us.  In all levels of interactions, however trivial and significant, our awareness of this healing love at the core of our being is our hope to conquer our ‘shadows’.